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"Tell the chef, the beer is on me."
i like drawing young, attractive female characters as much as any other person but this time i wanted to mix things up a bit. have a quick portrait of Ursa, a female warrior who survived long enough on the battlefield to reach the middle age. i’m curious to see how the community will receive her.
I can’t speak for everyone. But I like it. I like it a lot.
actually…. come to think of it I don’t think I’ve EVER seen a middle-aged warrior woman… holy shit. ageism much?
teapottempestist: Personally, I thought the Beifong Sisters from The Legend of Korra were pretty badass middle-aged warrior women. And I’ve seen a few others in art that were pretty good:
But yes, there is an unfortunate lack of older and middle-aged lady warriors and adventuresses in media in general.
so my mom works at a vets office and today some noodle brought in a turkey that had been, like, injured by another turkey or some shit. and anyway they were doing routine stuff and they needed to take its temperature, and the lady my mom was working with was like “man i can’t find this turkey’s butthole, where is the turkey’s butthole???’ (or i guess cloaca, thats a thing turkeys have right, informally called a butthole by vet techs apparently) like the feathers are too thick and this lady cant find the turkeys asshole/vagina/mystery bird hole
like shes been combing through the turkeys feathers searching fruitlessly for its asshole for a WHILE now
so my mom, being the practical sort of person that she is, just squats real low behind the turkey and blows really hard on its ass and all of the fathers fluff out of the way like she’s moses and the turkeys ass is the red sea and, lo and fucking behold, the turkey’s butthole was revealed to the public eye
tl;dr my mom is chief turkey butthole locator
where’s that post that is like “it confuses me when tattooed people have kids that come out blank”
If you’ve taken a high school economics class or just hung around the Internet long enough, you have probably seen some variant of the “You have two cows” joke. It’s a brand of satire created in 1930’s Chicago that humorously oversimplified economic systems by explaining everything in terms of a farmer with two cows. For example, fascism can be explained as, “You have two cows. You give them to the government, and the government then sells you some milk.” In the eighty years that the joke archetype has existed, it’s been used to explain all sorts of social phenomena. Today it’s my turn.
People often ask what the major differences are between the Khans of Tarkir clans and the Dragons of Tarkir clans. There are many changes that range from mana allegiance to species of leadership, and one could write a whole article about it. Or, one could just make “You have two cow” statements about them. Which is what I’m doing in a bit of light reading today. As a bonus, each statement will have a piece of Magic art altered by the acclaimed illustrator of Bad Draws, me.
You have two cows. You kill your enemy and adopt her orphaned cow. You summon your ancestors to help take care of it.
You have two cows. You send one out on a vision quest and try to milk the other one with your mind.
You have two cows. You kill them for not producing enough milk. You zombify one to plow your fields and the other to be a walking couch.
You have two cows. You eat one and ride the other into battle, earning your war-name of Moo Jockey.
No one owns the beasts of the earth. When you need milk, you track a herd of cows across the wilderness and only take what you need to survive.
The biggest shift between the two incarnations of the clans is that the reforged timeline has Dragons above everyone else. This provided an amusing opportunity to twist the structure of the joke in a way that certainly amuses me enough to maybe amuse you too.
Two cows own you. You have to take care of them, but they give you milk in return.
Two cows own you. They teach you how to moo like a cow, but not how to produce milk.
Two cows own you. They force you to pamper them and kill you when you make a mistake.
Two cows run through the wilds with you, trampling whomever gets in their way.
Two cows make you feed them hay. When the hay runs out, they eat you instead.
A Tale of Two Cows
I hope today’s humorous article helped cure those of you who have come down with a case of the Mondays. While it’s easy to get wrapped up in the fantasy world that Magic constructs, it’s important to remember that it’s just a game and it should be fun. And even if this is just satire, sometimes pithy summaries can reveal a lot of information about what these clans believe.
Until next time, planeswalkers, may your two cows bring you prosperity.
Fascinating characters by Jeff Simpson
Jeff Simpson is a 26 year-old concept artist currently living in Canada and more precisely in Montreal when he works for the prestigious studio Ubisoft. He is specialized in character and creature design. They have generally a strange and tormented aspect. Discover more illustrations on his portfolio, his CGHub and his DeviantArt.
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